Sunday, September 10, 2006

The Night My Heart Was Broken - R.I.P

It's all over. I don't know if I have the strength to continue, but deep inside, I know that no matter what, I won't allow myself to collapse and will still face everyone with a smile on Mon. That's my personal promise to myself.

Although my heart hurts badly right now, I want to think that this is for the better. Perhaps we were meant to meet, but never meant to be more than just good frens. Maybe I only have myself to blame for misunderstanding.

Deep down, I cry at the unfairness of it all. I thought you were or are different, and although you said it's not because of it, my evil mind tells me that my condition is a contributing factor.

I know we have our differences, and even I was/am unsure of the future. So perhaps this is for the better. But I seriously thought I found a gem, who could actually change my outlook in life. I was in awe of your strong conviction and impressed by your thoughts on life. Alas, happiness is a fleeting state.

I know I am thinking too much again, but I know that I will find it even more difficult to trust people in future. I face the world with a ready smile and a carefree, almost worry-free attitude. But I know deep down that I fear mankind for man's ability to hurt. My stoic attitude of being blunt and egoistic is just a false masquerade to protect my true vulnerable self.

It's not anyone's fault. I was just naive and I really shouldn't have plunged myself into the situation without being very sure 1st. Whatever it is, I will keep my heart and feelings under lock and key. I am prepared to be single all my life and I mean it.

3 years ago, I knew that there wasn't a choice due to the circumstances then. Now, 3 years later, being more mature and earning my own keeps, I thought that everything was possible. Unfortunately, the sky is grey and though the rain will clear, the harm is done. Issues of bygone years have now resurfaced in my mind, and though I want to rid myself of the thoughts, I can't. My willpower isn't enough to prevent the injuries in my heart from bleeding again.

I know I am a nice gal, just not nice enough to ever be someone's chosen Ms Right. I know we may actually communicate really well, but not enough to be considered as more than just a fren. I know there are many logical reasons, but not one that will make me happy or see reason.

I know I am silly, but despite my rantings above, I still do not regret knowing you. Whatever it is, you have made a positive impact on my life and for that, I thank you. I wish you the very best and I take comfort that we will always be good frens.