Thursday, September 28, 2006

In other news, work isn't exactly going well. I won't say it's going badly, but yes, I do lack a direction and I see no end to the problem. Maybe I should be seeing opportunities in adversity, and frankly, I think I am highly paid for the amount of work I do. But I want to use my brains more constructively. Comfort breeds laziness and I don't want that.

However, my disclaimer is this time around, it wasn't my insecurities that got the better of me. It was HIS securities. So that's sth new. =p I am on the rebound! YAY!

Don't ask so much from me. Let me lick my own wounds and I will chase the fleas and maggots away myself. I don't need your concern, cos frankly at this point, I only want to be selfish and you will inevitably be the victim of my temper.

I know this is wrong, but yes I am using others as a shield. Maybe I am just pandering to my own narcissistic whims, but I just want to luv myself now. So just leave me alone. Thank you.

We were there to bcum Garung Guni Ah-Sohs for the afternoon. However, 1st up we had to placate our hungry stomachs and I guess we took longer than usual to finish eating. On purpose.

• People who stay in higher floors throw more things. We thot of one reason for this - cos they live on higher floors, it is more troublesome for them to dump heavy stuff, and since free labour is available, they might as well tap on us.
• Computer monitors are really heavy.
• Zhen can really carry heavy stuff. I was struggling, but she still managed to carry everything. I concluded that it is cos she is audit-trained.
• We are super frightened of dogs. Zhen more so than me. Be it dogs or cats barking/meowing away, Zhen just refused to go near the flats. So yah, in the end, we had to do some kind of James Bond 007 thingie, contorting our bodies so that we can fool the dog into thinking we aren't there (just beneath the window grill and thus, line of vision).
• Zhen spilled her drink, causing my shorts to be wet. Another casualty of this was my hp! My hp memory is now gone, thus I no longer have the contacts of new frens, as well as no knowledge of when their bdaes are. Farnie thing is I didn't realise till I got home. Anyway, it's predestined that I should lose the numbers, cos i couldn't have smsed even if I wanted to.
• Listened to GK's luv story on our mrt trip back. Dun tink i m in a position to judge, but yes i do hate it when people can't decide whether to move fwd or backward. I empathise with GK, yet it is a chance for him to start anew isn't it?

Today hasn't been exactly a good day for me so far, but I must believe tomorrow will be a better day.

In any case, in an attempt to get out of this hole that I have dug for myself, I have decided on certain course of action to take. With my character and determination, I will be able to do all things that I put my mind to. No doubts about it. I am tired of crying and being wishy-washy or hoping for the best when I know the best will never happen anyway. Don't worry, I am or will be fine. Nothing matters anymore after this stage.

1. We can get off work on time (or max 1/2 hr after dismissal).
2. There is pleasurable company.
3. We did not leave alot of work behind at the office just to have fun. So that we can realy let our hair down, instead of being burdened by the thought of all that work waiting the next morning.

It really makes more sense to go out on weekdays, cos everywhere is empty/sparsely occupied. No crowd to jostle with; no need to wait for an abnormally long time for food/toilet etc (although we did wait for a long time for our food last night even though we were 1 of only 3 tables occupied); cineplex was only half-full; cheaper movie tickets (paid $6.50 each, even after adding booking fee!).

Aniwae, progressing to the show - it was hilariously funny. The crowd of young people was almost as funny as the show itself, cos everyone was 'ooh'ing, 'ahh'ing as well as making other funny sounds and clapping when they were delighted with the turn of events. The actors were really shuai, and all in all, I thot it was worth the money on a weekday. The ending was rather unexpected to me at least, but I suppose the process is more important than the end.

I think I will be very tired today, but nvm..yesterday's fun is worth being half-dead at work today. =)

I just hv this nagging feeling in me that I am going through mood swings. Like I was very happy last night, but suddenly turned sianz today.

The sun will always rise
After the rain
Flowers grow and
Miracles abound
Love on earth
Of many types

The time spent
Short-lived yet cherished
Though the brain forgets
The heart shall not
God's creations we all are
Human weaknesses we are floored by

Decisions made today
Determine the tomorrow of our lives
What we have, will be and do
Are all grounded by a common belief
Understanding that God loves us not for who we are
But despite of what we are
Because we are.

Getting to the point, I am very glad to receive words of encouragement from my frens. I now know how heartening and uplifting a simple sms can be. It really made the difference between wallowing in self-pity to mentally preparing myself for the week and thus, my life ahead.

Zhen made a massive attempt to reach out to me. She purposely got her dad to drive over to my place to cheer me up with sth she bought + her concern shown from her card. Seriously, Ted, if you don't know how lucky u r yet, u shld by now. Zhen is really a gd fren, and I will come after you if you dare to bully her.

It's all over. I don't know if I have the strength to continue, but deep inside, I know that no matter what, I won't allow myself to collapse and will still face everyone with a smile on Mon. That's my personal promise to myself.

Although my heart hurts badly right now, I want to think that this is for the better. Perhaps we were meant to meet, but never meant to be more than just good frens. Maybe I only have myself to blame for misunderstanding.

Deep down, I cry at the unfairness of it all. I thought you were or are different, and although you said it's not because of it, my evil mind tells me that my condition is a contributing factor.

I know we have our differences, and even I was/am unsure of the future. So perhaps this is for the better. But I seriously thought I found a gem, who could actually change my outlook in life. I was in awe of your strong conviction and impressed by your thoughts on life. Alas, happiness is a fleeting state.

I know I am thinking too much again, but I know that I will find it even more difficult to trust people in future. I face the world with a ready smile and a carefree, almost worry-free attitude. But I know deep down that I fear mankind for man's ability to hurt. My stoic attitude of being blunt and egoistic is just a false masquerade to protect my true vulnerable self.

It's not anyone's fault. I was just naive and I really shouldn't have plunged myself into the situation without being very sure 1st. Whatever it is, I will keep my heart and feelings under lock and key. I am prepared to be single all my life and I mean it.

3 years ago, I knew that there wasn't a choice due to the circumstances then. Now, 3 years later, being more mature and earning my own keeps, I thought that everything was possible. Unfortunately, the sky is grey and though the rain will clear, the harm is done. Issues of bygone years have now resurfaced in my mind, and though I want to rid myself of the thoughts, I can't. My willpower isn't enough to prevent the injuries in my heart from bleeding again.

I know I am a nice gal, just not nice enough to ever be someone's chosen Ms Right. I know we may actually communicate really well, but not enough to be considered as more than just a fren. I know there are many logical reasons, but not one that will make me happy or see reason.

I know I am silly, but despite my rantings above, I still do not regret knowing you. Whatever it is, you have made a positive impact on my life and for that, I thank you. I wish you the very best and I take comfort that we will always be good frens.

Today, he said:

• My perfume scent was nice.
• I looked good.
• I look so much prettier with my lovely smile.
• I can cry on his shoulder if I need to.

In any case, add that to Sat's 2 hrs and Mon's ?? mins, we are at a grand count of 4+ hrs. I am not sure where we are heading, but if nothing else, I am certain that I have found a good chatter and listener. I slept with a smile on my face last night and woke up happy too. Sounds silly yah? No teasing pls...

I have never regarded myself as particularly lucky, even though people tell me I am. Perhaps man is always greedy and thus, I only saw what I didn't have. I have not been particularly thankful for what I do have.

Well, if there's nothing else I have learnt in my 2nd job, it's that big designations; big money; big responsibilities don't count for anything. Ultimately, at the end of the day, it's just between us and our humane heart. If we should act in such a manner that doesn't define us as man, we will be no different than beasts. And no amount of money, self-glorification, power can change anything.

I am reminding myself to go slow, cos I don't want any of us to get hurt. Right now, everyone is happy, but I am not sure how long this state will last.

I believe I am mature enough to handle this in a grow-up manner. On one hand, I am happy beyond words, but on the other hand, I tink it's better to be frens, so that we will always be together. It's safer, less risky and a definite success, with minimal worry. Yet, I am outright flirtatious, which could be just toying with trouble. I really should rein myself in. =)

• Outing with colleagues, ex-temp staff + some of their NS frens
• A whole grp of us = 8 + 3
• Saw a couple quarreling -> Guy said to gal ' You dare talk to me like this?!'
• This became the catchphrase of the evening.
• Started on a mini zi-pai marathon
• Laffed until our stomach and face muscles ached
• Frens wanted to intro me to Broad Shoulders, one of their Pride and Honour frens
• By a stroke of fate/luck, both of us ordered Oreo Coffee and asked for serviette at the same time
• Cold joke and scholarship questions were asked and we all tried cracking our heads
• When we were leaving, we witnessed a fight btw 2 guys, and a gal was btw them! Police were even called in.

Sat -

• Spent a total of 4.5hrs tokking to 2 people
• Amazed at my ability to tok. Ear was sore after that.
• In the end, left the hse only at 6+pm
• Saw a 2nd couple fight after yesterdae's incident
• Guy ran past us. Gal chasing behind, shouting ' Where are you going? Stop!'
• Stayed out till 2am, chatting and sharing cold jokes

Every company faces the problem of people leaving the company for better pay or profile. Early this year, Arun, a senior software designer, got an offer from a prestigious international firm to work in its India operations developing specialized software. He was thrilled by the offer. He had heard a lot about the CEO. The salary was great. The company had all the right systems in place employee-friendly human resources (HR) policies, a spanking new office, and the very best technology, even a canteen that served superb food.

Twice Arun was sent abroad for training. "My learning curve is the sharpest it's ever been," he said soon after he joined. Last week, less than eight months after he joined, Arun walked out of the job.

Why did this talented employee leave?

Arun quit for the same reason that drives many good people away.

The answer lies in one of the largest studies undertaken by the Gallup Organization. The study surveyed over a million employees and 80,000 managers and was published in a book called "First Break All The Rules". It came up with this surprising finding:

If you're losing good people, look to their immediate boss. Immediate boss is the reason people stay and thrive in an organization. And he's the reason why people leave. When people leave they take knowledge, experience and contacts with them, straight to the competition.

"People leave managers not companies," write the authors Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman.

Mostly manager drives people away?

HR experts say that of all the abuses, employees find humiliation the most intolerable. The first time, an employee may not leave,but a thought has been planted. The second time, that thought gets strengthened. The third time, he looks for another job.

When people cannot retort openly in anger, they do so by passive aggression. By digging their heels in and slowing down. By doing only what they are told to do and no more. By omitting to give the boss crucial information. Dev says: "If you work for a jerk, you basically want to get him into trouble. You don 't have your heart and soul in the job."

Different managers can stress out employees in different ways - by being too controlling, too suspicious,too pushy, too critical, but they forget that workers are not fixed assets, they are free agents. When this goes on too long, an employee will quit - often over a trivial issue.

Talented men leave. Dead wood doesn't.

Jack Welch of GE once said. A company's value lies "between the ears of its employees"