I didn't forget my promise to improve myself, so I am still on my journey to discover myself. Just a pause now, to catch a breath, reflect and sort out the confusing thoughts.

'I thot my heart was dead, or at least frozen, but I felt, no...feel the tug on my heartstrings. I don't know if it's cos I have been single for too long. However, with this feeling came the same thinking of inadequacy e.g. can he accept society's stares, why do I even deserve him, why wld he want to take care of me and why wld any sane man even want me. Maybe I think too far...

Sat: Met up with Zhen and Huan after going to work in the morn. Remarkable, cos Zhen has just gotten attached, but yet have time for us. =) Tink we ate alot that day..for some reason, we always end up sitting down to eat/drink,. and after leaving Restaurant A, we proceeded to Restaurant B. Oh yah, that is on top of our favourite past-time of KTVing, which we did from 2-6pm. Somehow, 3 persons singing for 4 hrs can be really tiring, cos we all felt drained after that.

Sun: Met up with Acctancy frens. Been a long time since we met up, and will be a longer time to our next meeting, cos 1 is going for 2 weeks' holiday in Australia, while another has many deadlines to meet due to her studies. Explored the new Raffles City basement, and met Veelo-&-Heh Heh. Spent quite a good time just catching up and talking about nothing in particular. I expressed my desire to pursue further studies to them, and they encouraged me to do so, considering the fact tt I have a stable job (with stable hrs). We also tokked about the all important issue on romance, as some guys are chasing my frens. We remarked tt guys seemed to go for gals that we gals didn't tink much of. So well well, i guess it has proven once again that guys are from mars and females from venus.

Pretty tired...finally received the official resignation letter from Banana. I wish him well, just tt i am already feeling the dread...but things will always come to an end, and hopefully someone better can be trained. But I need to train myself to be less reliant on Banana. Ha!

You Are 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

http://www.blogthings.com/areyourightorleftbrainedquiz/

You May Be a Bit Borderline...

Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame! When you're up, you're a little bit crazy...And when you're down, your whole world is crashing. Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!

You Are 50% Extrovert, 50% Introvert

You're a bit outgoing, a bit reserved. Like most people, you enjoy being social. But you also value the time you have alone. You have struck a good balance!

Yesterday, I saw an advertisement for some TV programme, which asked for views on the effects of one's looks on future success. Some commented that good looks help definitely, while another commented that he strived even harder and owe his success today to his lack of looks.

Today, my colleague commented that I have a tough exterior and my mouth can really say nasty things, but my heart is actually soft. So why do I persist in projecting that strong image, which causes pple to dislike me? Truthfully, I guess it is due to my lack of physical ability and thus, lack of success in certain areas, that caused me to behave in such a protective manner of myself. I always felt that I should only show the real me to people who will not hurt me, and everyone can hurt me until proven o/w. Sounds abit silly...

Oh well, I will try to show the softer side of me. And I did promise to think more optimistically. But like what I told my colleagues, I guess I have reconciled within myself to be single for the rest of my life, despite everyone around me finding (or soon to be finding) their life partner. =)

So the story goes that I received a Frenster reminder about M's bdae. So being the smart aleck that I am, I rounded everyone to get their consensus to spring a surprise bdae lunch on M.

Happily we went off for our meal, and when he asked why we were having Swensen's, we replied because we felt like it. When the ice-cream we ordered for him came, all of us launched into the Happy Bdae song. His face went red and he seemed to be visibly shocked/touched.

It was at this pt in time that M finally revealed that his bdae wasn't today and that the date in Frenster was fake. I felt like the biggest fool of the century! =) But tink M was super embarassed...

1. Highlighted my hair red. My colleagues say it's ah-lian, not professional looking, nice, hip, cool etc. So I am not sure if this is good or bad.
2. I hvn't broken the jinx of falling once per trip.
3. Had fun shopping (what's new?)
4. Grew fatter with all that eating.
5. Realised that I can only go overseas with people who are like-minded and who are willing to tolerate my special needs.

Watched fireworks last night w my colleagues. Over and above the fireworks, I guess what was more memorable about the outing was that we had a very cheemz talk on religion, in particular Christianity. Frankly, I deeply admire Mat for his conviction and faith. Perhaps I have never experienced such deep-rooted belief, but I still stand by my belief that all religions stem from goodness and that God by any other name is still God. It may be radical thinking. Maybe I am still searching for my true purpose in life, but I don't think I am thinking much about the afterlife at this moment. =)

I don't know if it's the effect of the impending trip or my new resolution to 'unprotect' myself (read my last post), but I do feel that my days have been happier. Less moody days, or days where I doubt myself.

Added to this confidence is the fact that I am getting more comfortable with myself. It's true that my legs are weaker and that I simply can't do certain things. But I do have my brain and personality to fall back on. I am actually pretty likeable and it's whoever's loss if he/she chooses not to see it.

That said, I don't see any major changes in my current routine cos I don't see the need to uphaul my lifestyle. If it's not meant to be, I won't be able to do anything to change fate.

I have decided on something pretty major after my trip. It remains to be seen if I will materialise it. But I certainly hope I will follow through with my decision. I need to have some aim in life after all...aside from playing. =)

(BE FOREWARNED! DON'T VENTURE FURTHER IF YOU HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING!)

Left knee

Right knee

They told me that I have such a pessimistic view of relationships and people on the whole, that this affects the way I react to others. I.e. because of the way I think, I have accordingly modelled myself, thus projecting an image of myself that may not be exactly likeable. This causes a vicious cycle to ensue, since people will then dislike me, thus perpetuating my pessimistic view.

I thought about it and realised that it makes sense. Bcos of what I think others will think and react, I behave in a manner to ensure the most protection to myself. In the process, I project an image of being proud, self-centred and uncaring of others. When people then behave accordingly, I will then feel that I am right all this while. But this is actually a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I hide, the more people will misjudge me.

Thus, I have decided to be true to myself and not be afraid of doing things anymore. It is a fact that I am weaker and true frens will just accept me for who I am. Nobody can have the ability to hurt me more than myself, and I think it is time for me to grow up and to accept that different people will behave in different manners. I should not be sceptical of others' real intentions. It may take a while, but I am trying to change. After all, this has been internalised in myself for too long...

Everyone of us faced different problems, be it lack of time, relationship complexities, job fit, nasty bosses, bleak future. But we were all united by our frenship, our history and our desire to retain our gaiety and innocence.

All of us have almost started working. Some venturing abroad, while others are still floundering with their career choice. A limited few have decided that career isn't their top priority. Yet we all agree that the most important thing is to be happy with the decision made. Passion must never be absent from our activities.

As time passes, I hope that we can still meet up once in a while like this. Stayovers are fun, but as noted by XY, age has started catching up w us, and we simply aren't as energetic as before. Nevetheless, the meanings behind such gatherings hold great weight to me and I always feel a changed person after 1 of our outings. Thanks alot for being there all this while!

The other side of me knows that I am a lousy person. I am weak and have to accept help to finish simple tasks. I dare not lift my head too high in public, for fear of meeting anyone's stares at me. I accept that I can never be exceptionally outstanding/ successful and that I should just live my life as it occurs, instead of aiming for the impossible. In my heart, I doubt if I can achieve anything and sometimes I feel that life is seemingly aimless with no clear direction. I wonder why I was even brought to this earth for if I am made to suffer. I blame my parents, myself and the world for not understanding.

Yet, the Pragmatist in her reminds her that she might regret in future, cos there may not be any other guy coming along who will want to know her better, not like the 1st guy above.

The Romantic in her was winning, till I came along to play havoc with her thoughts. I told her that we shldn't be playing around at our age. In other words, just give the 1st guy a chance. Get to know him better, and for all we know, love may grow. Rather than waste time on a lost cause. In fact, the Ah-Q in me told her that the 2nd guy may spring into action once he knows that there's another guy in her horizon now. Not sure if she was convinced by the Pragmatic me.

Last night, as I thought over the conversation, I wondered if I am simply projecting a Pragmatist view, but harbouring a Romantic heart. Despite all the talk and 'advice', I will still love to continue keeping a part of me deep inside for the special someone, while getting to know Others. That's abit unfair to the Others, but well, it's a gd middle-of-the-road solution. If the Others are sincere enough, that part of me will also be won over. Thus, both the Pragmatist and Romantic can win! Right?

I mean, grow up! If she's competent and does her work, will there be a need to resort to show that she's doing sth? Everyone should use their time more constructively and I just want to emphasise that I hate such low-lifes, who have to stoop down to fan their bosses' egos. God forbids the day that I become as such. I didn't need to in the past, don't need to now, and never will need to in future either.

Simply bcos I will never allow myself to degrade to that level. All bosses should just open their eyes wide and wake up!