Now, for some reflections:
a. As usual, like in all other trips, I fell down. It's usual and not entirely demeaning, just that it gets sorta tiring whenever I fall. I guess I should be thankful that I have never sprained my ankle before, cos tis time around, I took quite a hard stumble and actually fell on my toe. The vein around my toe is still sorta swollen, but I will survive.
b. I simply have no strength to do certain stuff, that may actually come pretty naturally to other pple. I am not pretending and I do try my best. But it still gets to me that I require the help of others.
c. My frens may say that I am not a burden. But I seriously feel that I am a burden. As much as I may be a help in remembering directions; sorting out monetary issues etc, I still feel that I am more a hindrance than a help. Whatever else I say is all an act. I know that I am not that 'essential', which is why I rather go on trips with my family, since I am more at ease being a burden to them than to my frens.
d. I may act knowledgeable and experienced, but I don't think I am deep down. I want to be the naive gal too, but I guess this is another appearance that I am portraying.
e. I don't really know if I am entitled to love. Cos I still feel that I shouldn't make another person's life miserable. But yes, I can continue admiring from afar. As much as how I may like to talk tough in reality, I know myself best and the inner me tells me that I am not entitled to a normal life.
f. Real frens wun mind, and in fact will endure my tough talk. They may know the real emotions in my heart, but they won't say it out to embarass me or make me uncomfortable.
g. I am thankful that I have a bunch of good frens who can see beneath my facade and brand of humour. I am even more grateful that they accept me for who I am and will not try to change me.

Last nite, I contacted (fine...msned) a fren whom I hv not been in touch with for at least the last 3 years. It's good to know he and his family are fine and doing well. In fact, we were talking as naturally as if we spoke yesterday instead of 3 yrs ago.

As I grow older, I can't help but reminisce on the old times, the frens I hv lost contact w for some reason or another, and I start wondering if the present me is more likeable than in the past. I dun mean like as in love, but just in general, has the real me been eclipsed by the working environment and the working society? Have I bcum jaded by my life experiences and grown to distrust one and all? Am I now reaching back to the past to regain my bearing and trust in life?

No clear answer, but at a min, I guess I just wanna know if my frens hv been doing well since contact was inevitably lost. I wanna b able to say Hi to them if I chance upon them on the streets and be invited to their weddings, child's mth-old bdae celebration etc.

My wish is for them to be even happier than when they had me in their lives.

Getting withdrawal symptom from lack of soccer matches to watch. Somehow it was pretty fun waking up at 3am to catch the match, when I jolly well know that I had to work the next day.

Prepared for our Desaru trip on Sun. Currency has been changed, stuff not packed, but mentally and emotionally very ready to leave.

Not sure if I am supposed to be happy or unhappy about the sudden attention at work. It can get pretty stressful and I just want a peaceful existence. On the other hand, it feels good to be appreciated for my 'potential' after 1 year of doing rubbish. Just that I am sceptical about how genuine everyone is. I mean, in the workplace, it's more like everyone for him/herself, right? Besides, the more I do, the more I may make mistakes, thus the more I will take the fall for. I guess my mentality has something to do with working for 2 years already. Disillusioned and my personal take is no one can be trusted in the office, no matter how good a friend they may be outside of work.

To top it all, I don't see any progress made in my social/romantic life. It has all along been one-sided and stupid me just can't accept that I don't exist in his radar screen. I am so useless. It's time for me to look beyond now. Either I tell myself to wise up and be a happy single who earn her own keeps, or I jolly well just pluck any guy from the streets and be happy with him.

I am tired of hearing people say that I am pretty and my standards must be sky high to not have a bf. Y can't everyone just accept that I am not the one picking? The cards are not in my deck to choose. The few cards that I received, I may have discarded or not even bothered to flip them, but fact remains that there are too little cards in my deck. Thus, no winning combi of cards = Losing game.

Living 1 day at a time now. Started to revisit the idea of pursuing my studies. When things get tough in reality and emotionally, it's time to plot my escape route. Just that I am not sure if I can just up and go. Too many factors to consider.

Is my pessimism getting to me again? Or am I thinking too much yet again? Oh well, just airing some random thoughts here and it feels kinda good to let it all out. =)

I am absolutely amazed that I specially woke up at 3am to catch the match. Am I mad or what...But nvm, I took ginseng drink to perk me up during the work day today. Haha!

Into the inviting blue sky,
The bird tries to fly.
Alas, caught in the cage.
Freedom within sight
But not within grasp.

Other birds' chirping can be heard
No different from its own
Yet beneath the surface,
The poignant cry for tender love
Is heard from the heart.

Albeit no one bothers.
An owner's love bestowed is different
What love can it be behind the caged walls
Fate seems beyond control
Future lacks lustre

Other birds enjoy
The joy of flying together
Appreciated for their mastery
Unlike the bird caught
Merely appreciated for its beauty

Destined to fly alone
Always within sight of captivity
Never truly attaining the epitome
Of happiness and love
A shadow of its old self

Heart shuts down
Soul emptied
Devoid of feelings
The bird though physically present
As empty as the cage that encloses it